Many people come to therapy because they are struggling with something; whether that is anxiety, depression, low self esteem, conflict in their relationship, their body etc. Something I commonly hear in the face of these difficulties, is self-criticism.
So picture this, not only are people experiencing difficulties with their mental health, they are then being unkind towards themselves in the face of that struggle, which only serves to intensify their suffering.
The anti-dote then to reducing this type of suffering is practicing self compassion.
But what is self compassion?
According to Kristin Neff, the mother of self compassion, self compassion has 3 main components:
Kindness: to put it simply, this means treating yourself kindly and with understanding when you are struggling or have failed in some way. It might sound like saying to yourself: “it’s okay, I know you did your best” instead of talking to yourself harshly: “you suck, I can’t believe you didn’t win”
Common humanity: this refers to the recognition that all humans are inherently flawed and that everyone, including ourselves, has moments in which we struggle, fail and make mistakes. Even though we sometimes can feel alone and isolated in the midst of our pain and struggle, it is important to remember that experiencing pain is human. This recognition can help us feel more connected to those around us.
Mindfulness: this refers to the practice of being present focused and recognizing what is going on right here, right now. For example, bringing awareness to your thoughts emotions and sensations that you are experiencing. When we bring mindful awareness to our experience, it allows us to work through what is happening for us and not avoid our experience; additionally, it also allows us to not become overly caught up and absorbed in what is going on for us.
So how do you know if you are compassionate towards yourself?
Reflect on the last couple times that you have gone through a difficult or painful experience.
Now think about how you treated yourself during that period of time..
What language did you use towards yourself?
Did you take steps to take care of yourself?
Did you consider your needs?
If you have identified that you struggle with self-compassion and can be critical, here is a simple exercise to try to integrate a practice of self-compassion into your life:
Bring to mind someone you really care about. Now imagine that this person going through the same struggle you are and imagine they turn to you for support. - How would you speak to them? - What advice or words of kindness would you offer? *Notice any differences of what you would say to a loved one versus what you say to yourself.
Practice providing the same words of kindness and support towards yourself that you would say to someone you care about. *Something to note is that at first, this practice may feel forced or “fake”. This is understandable. For many of us, we have had years of experience in treating ourselves harshly and as such, it will take time to change this. The good news is that repeated practice of self-compassion has been shown to have many positive impacts on our mental health and well-being including increased self-confidence, life satisfaction and levels of happiness.
If you are interested in a guided practice of self compassion, click this link for a short 5 minute guided self compassion exercise.
References/credits:
Neff, K., & Davidson, O. (2016). Self-compassion: Embracing suffering with kindness
Neff, K. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and identity, 2(2), 85-101.
Neff, K. D., Rude, S. S., & Kirkpatrick, K. L. (2007). An examination of self-compassion in relation to positive psychological functioning and personality traits. Journal of research in personality, 41(4), 908-916.
Picture by: Freepik
Comments