Crucial Insights: 4 Warning Signs Pointing to Relationship Strain and Potential Breakup

Did you know that it is not how often or what you fight about that leads to harm in a relationship? It is HOW you fight. According to research done on couples therapy by John Gottman, there are 4 elements that can lead to relationship breakdown and deterioration over time, which are called the “4 horsemen of the apocalypse” :

• Criticism

• Contempt

• Defensiveness

• Stonewalling

Sound familiar? Don't worry, its not all bad news. The research also shows that once you have insight into the horsemen and recognize which ones you are prone to doing, you can take steps towards change which can not only help resolve conflict, improve communication but also strengthen your relationship and improve your overall relationship satisfaction.

What is criticism? Instead of voicing a complaint, criticism is anything that you do during conflict that verbally attacks your partners character or personality and sense of self.

It can sound like “you are ____ (e.g., fill in the blank: lazy, irresponsible, forgetful, a loser, etc.) and lead to your partner feeling rejected, hurt, or attacked. So what can you do instead? Attempt a gentle startup, and focus on the behaviour that is upsetting you and NOT generalizations about your loved ones character.

Try using an I statement in which you express how YOU feel based on a particular event and what you need from your partner moving forward. Instead of saying “you are irresponsible…” try: “I feel like I dont matter when you don’t come home when you say you will, and it would mean a lot to me if you gave me a heads up if you are going to be late”, or instead of “you never think about me…” try: “i was worried about whether something happened to you when you didn’t call me..”

What is contempt? This is anything that you do that communicates to your partner that you think you are above them in any way, and can communicate a sense of disrespect and lead to your partner feeling worthless or less than. Often, this presents non-verbally. For example, sarcasm, eye roll, muttering under your breath, etc. Instead, try to build a culture of appreciation, even during a conflict, which I know can be hard. However, reminding yourself about something you appreciate about your partner. This helps to create some connection to your partner, even during a difficult time.

Did you know? contempt has been shown to be the “deadliest” of all the 4 horsemen, and is considered to be the biggest predictor of divorce or separation. Moreover, when there is contempt present in a relationship, we are also more prone to not only struggling with our mental health but also at a greater risk for physical illnesses.

What is defensiveness? This is anything you during conflict that brings you away from accepting any ounce of responsibility for the situation at hand. I would say, as a couples therapist, this one of the most common horsemen that I see amongst couples, and even in other relationships (friendships, parent-child relationships, etc.). The truth is our minds and bodies are designed to protect us. Therefore, if we feel threatened, it can be perfectly natural to want to protect ourselves and one way we can do this is by becoming defensive and not accepting any responsibility.

The problem with this is that it creates distance between us and our partner, can come off as us giving excuses and also send the message that what our partner is saying doesn’t matter. Commonly this sounds something like this:

Partner 1: It hurt my feelings when you you ignored my suggestion

Partner 2: Well, I was really busy and I didnt have time to consider what you wanted

Another common way defensiveness presents is the.. the “yeah but…” , one partner expresses a complaint and the other in response says “yeah but i only do this because you do __” This reversal of blame can be hurtful and moves us away from being able to navigate conflict.

So what can you do? Try to take responsibly, even if it is for part of the conflict at hand. This can keep things from escalating and also lead to conflict resolution.

For example instead of: “I was really busy and i didn’t have time to consider what you wanted..” , you can say: “It must have been hurtful when I didn’t consider your suggestion, even if I was busy”

Final horsemen, is stonewalling.

What is stonewalling? Stonewalling is anything you do to withdraw or escape from a conflict situation. This can be psychological stonewalling which can look like “checking out” in the conversation or physical stonewalling in which we physically leave the situation in the middle of conflict.

Although stonewalling often stems from us being flooded (fancy term for our body and minds being overwhelmed), it can leave our partner feeling unimportant, rejection or abandoned.

Instead try making a plan to allow for self soothing. This could look like proactively communicating to your partner that when you are overwhelmed, you may need a break. This way, your partner knows AHEAD of time, this is something you’ve agreed to do and also you have a plan for something that you can do to help yourself when you are overwhelmed. Afterwards, when you feel more regulated, ensure that you take steps to come back and try to work through the conflict. For most people, we need at least 20 minutes or more for our bodies to start to become regulated.

During this break, you want to consider what will do to help your body regulate (some favourites of mine are: deep breathing, drinking a glass of water, listening to music or taking a walk).

One common mistake that couples can make is taking a break but spending the entire time replaying the conversation or creating their rebuttal. This defeats the purpose of trying to regulate our feelings and often can escalate the situation.

Try out these tips next time you are in the middle of conflict and be curious about how it impacts your interactions.

If you are finding these patterns recurring in your relationship and finding the same patterns repeating in your relationship, couples therapy may help. If you are considering whether couples therapy may be a good fit for you, reach out today for a free 20 minute consultation.

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Research by John Gottman

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