How Self-Validation Helps with Anxiety, Emotional Regulation, and the Inner Critic

Do you find yourself avoiding things you know matter? Struggling to calm down once you’re upset? Or constantly checking with other people to see if your feelings are “reasonable”?

Many individuals seeking therapy in Calgary describe difficulty trusting their internal experience. Not because something is wrong with them, but because at some point, their emotions were not taken seriously. Maybe their emotions were dismissed, minimized, or they were told they were “too much.” Over time, that invalidation can create confusion, and people begin to lose trust in themselves.

In Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), often used by psychologists in Calgary, this is understood as an invalidating environment. When emotions are consistently questioned or dismissed in childhood, we don’t learn how to understand or regulate them. Instead, emotions may escalate, shut down, or show up as behaviours like impulsivity, avoidance, or people-pleasing (Shenk & Fruzzetti, 2011; Ford & Gross, 2019).

This is where self-validation comes in.

Self-validation is the ability to notice how you feel and understand why it makes sense, given your situation. It doesn’t mean you like the feeling, and it doesn’t mean the behaviour that follows is effective. It simply means your internal response is not random or wrong.

According to Marsha Linehan (1993), we all have what she calls essential validity, meaning each person has inherent significance that cannot be taken away or discounted. Your emotions are communicating something. When that message isn’t received, your system tends to turn up the volume. That’s when people feel overwhelmed, reactive, or out of control—something many clients explore in therapy.

When you begin practicing self-validation, this starts to shift. You don’t need to escalate as much to get your own attention. You rely less on reassurance from others. And you can move into problem-solving without skipping over how you actually feel.

So what does self-validation look like in practice?

First: Observe and describe.Slow things down. Take a breath. Notice what is happening internally by observing thoughts, body sensations, and emotions without judgment. “I feel angry.” “I notice tightness in my chest.” “I feel embarrassed.” Many people skip this step and move straight to judging or fixing.

Second: Understand why the emotion makes sense.Get curious. What happened? What are you reacting to? Even if your reaction feels intense, there is usually something in the situation that connects. You’re not trying to prove you’re right—you’re trying to understand your internal experience.

Third: Practice being non-judgmental.Notice “should” statements: I shouldn’t feel this way. I should be over this. These thoughts often increase shame and shut down emotional processing.

Finally: Replace the “shoulds.”Try something like, “Given what happened, it makes sense I feel this way.” This doesn’t mean you stay stuck—it means you stop fighting your experience long enough to work with it.

A common example is anger. Someone feels angry and immediately thinks, “I’m overreacting” or “I need to calm down.” They might seek reassurance before understanding the feeling themselves. But if you slow it down, you might notice tension, a sense of injustice, or feeling dismissed. When you validate the emotion and body sensations, the intensity often decreases enough to think more clearly.

Self-validation is not the same as agreeing with everything you do. You can validate your emotions and still choose a different behaviour. In fact, many psychologists find that without validation, behaviour change is much harder (Linehan et al., 2006; Lynch et al., 2007). You either push emotions away or become overwhelmed by them. At the same time, validation without change can keep you stuck. Both are important.

Many people don’t struggle because they feel too much. They struggle because they don’t understand what they feel—and they don’t trust it. Self-validation helps rebuild that trust with your body, mind, and emotions.

And for many people in therapy, this is where meaningful change begins.

If you notice you often question or dismiss your own emotions, learning to validate your internal experience is an important first step. From there, many people also begin to explore how their inner critic develops and how to relate to themselves with more compassion.

You can read more about that here: [How to Quiet Your Inner Critic with Self-Compassion]

And if you’re curious about where these patterns come from at a deeper level, this post explores how negative core beliefs shape anxiety, depression, and self-worth:[Understanding Negative Core Beliefs in Therapy]

If you’d like to learn more about validation—for yourself, your relationships, or your teen—feel free to reach out.

Our team includes DBT-informed therapists offering online therapy to clients virtually across Alberta and British Columbia, including those seeking therapy in Calgary.

We offer free complimentary consultations where we can further discuss how therapy can help and answer any questions you might have.

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